Mental Fragments

“Masculinity is not something given to you, but something you gain. And you gain it by winning small battles with honor.”

- Norman Mailer

Watched my first live PBA game yesterday and it was great because I watched my favorite team (SMB) vs. the ever crowd favorite Barangay Ginebra in the finals. I was with a couple of neighborhood friends and their friends. Of the group only two of us were cheering for SMB and the people seated near us were all fans of Brgy. Ginebra. When SMB made a good play I was the only one cheering and shouting in our area. I was cautious not to offend any Brgy Ginebra fans cause I was kind of paranoid the someone might throw something at me =)).

Well… SMB won! What a first time! The group also took pictures with Alan Caidic. He was my childhood idol in PBA back when he was still playing. It was great that one from our group actually knows him. But unfortunately, my eyes were closed in the picture

What is this feeling?

Is this real?

Or am I just imagining?

Should have gotten through this by now,

The thought of defeat still haunt me somehow.

It took forever inside my head

But in reality it was over in just a second.

Yes, there’s a reason to sigh

Because I now realize the worth of the prize

That I lost in a battle where I didn’t give a decent fight.

About a week ago had a chat with a high school friend. We weren’t close during high school days but we chat once in a while. Here’s a part or our exchange:

[HS friend]: o ayan kahit paano medyo close na tayo ngayon

[HS friend]: suplado ka kasi nung HS eh!

[Redge]: hindi ano… front lang yun

[Redge]: ika nga eh… "I’m hard on the outside but soft in the inside."

Ako? Suplado? No way!!! I was surprised when she said that because I don’t consider myself as aloof. I’m far from that. If I would describe myself, I would say that I’m very shy… Very shy to the point that I don’t start conversations, look or make eye contact to people.

I checked the definition of aloof from http://dictionary.reference.com/ and this is what I got:

aloof – adjective

2. reserved or reticent; indifferent; disinterested: Because of his shyness, he had the reputation of being aloof.

That sample sentence says it all… My shyness is the reason why acquaintances or even friends see me as that. Maybe another reason is that I don’t easily let people into my life, to the point that I alienate my friends and people who are close to me.

A perfect metaphor for me would be an egg; hard on the outside but soft and fragile in the inside. I don’t mean to be cold and distant to people. Maybe it’s my instinct to defend myself. I’ve had experiences where people intentionally or unintentionally hurt me. Yes it hurts if an acquaintance or a stranger does that but the most painful ones do come from the ones who are close to you or from the ones you love. Especially when you least expect them to do that to you.

Lately I’ve been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I’m amazing
I’m strong beyond my years
But they don’t see inside of me
I’m hiding all the tears

Chorus:
They don’t know that I come running home when I fall down
They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
(Look up for His smile)
‘Coz deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His arrow is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I’m amazing
I never face retreat, oh no
But they don’t see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

Chorus:
They don’t know that I come running home when I fall down
They don’t know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
(Look up for His smile)
‘Coz deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

========================================

Deep inside this armor… I am a child.